Being Alive

Facebook verwende ich inzwischen nur noch als Geburtstagsreminder von Bekanntschaften und wegen der Erinnerungen an vergangene Beiträge. Gestern las ich meine Gedanken zum Ende des Corona-Jahres 2020. Damit mir mein eigener Wegweiser im Kopftumult des Alltags nicht wieder verlorengeht, lege ich es hier ab. Bitte entschuldigen Sie mein Englisch, es ist dem internationalen Bekanntenkreis geschuldet und möglicherweise nicht fehlerfrei.

This year was exeptional in every aspect. I guess I never learned more about myself than in the past 12 months. Not the stuff I like to experience but all the things I don’t. The things I usually avoid by suppression or distracting myself from. And yet they are a part of me. I experienced deep sadness, lack of self-efficacy and self-worth, loneliness, heartbrokenness, anxiety, depression and overall a huge resistance towards all of those emotions.

Fact is emotions cannot be manipulated into something they’re not or suppressed or rationalized, they have to be felt. Believe me when I tell you I know everything about not taking random moods too seriously. I know all about the power of context and how to dance in the rain. These techniques can be helpful or tools of avoidance, depending on how they are applied. I used them to avoid grief and sadness. Resistance to emotions is like fuel to fire, it makes them last longer. So I finally surrendered and started experiencing lot’s of very unpleasant states.

And then I got it. I mean, I really got it, not just intellectually but with every fibre of my being: this is life in its wholeness – the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugliness, the comfortable and the uncomfortable. One does not exist without its opposite. To accept all there is means to be fully alive. To be with everything without the need of changing the uncomfortable stuff gives us freedom and flow. This is what appreciation of life, what love is about.

I guess there will be a lot more days when I wish I’d feel different or reject some circumstances and that is okay. After all I am human. But with going through negative states without resisting I have gained empathy for my fellow humans. The ones who are stuck like me, the ones who are hurting like me, the ones who feel exhausted and depressed and powerless and ashamed like me. I am not better nor do I have answers. I am just not afraid of the dark, instead I am ready to meet it and be with it.

By excluding the dark and showing only the light we cultivate fear and shame, which leads to more separation. What if we opened up a little bit more instead? What if we are not afraid to encounter opposites? What if we drop the need to change others? By the way, the need for ‚helping‘ and giving unsolicited advice can also be disguised avoidance.

My take away from this year is the power of radical acceptance. After all nothing is permanent. So I am ready for whatever shows up next. And in a way I am also scared. And that is okay.

Daran halte ich mich am Ende dieses Jahres fest – vor allem, weil es zum Schluss noch einmal kräftig emotional nachgetreten hat. Das Gute daran ist die Erkenntnis, dass mich so eine Welle noch vor einem Jahr komplett von den Füßen gerissen hätte, während ich diesmal mit den Armen heftig rudernd mein Gleichgewicht halte. Und das ist doch schonmal ein guter Anfang.

Passen Sie gut auf sich auf und nehmen Sie das Leben mit, nicht andersrum.